Caught in the in between

Scary! I don’t like to date younger men. I have in the past and I just feel I am in a different place than they are. I’m already a mom and want the happy family life. A warm, caring husband and more children. Someone to snuggle up on the couch with watching a late night movie. Someone to go to bed with and be able
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I’m afraid to admit this. It’s pretty frightening to throw this out there because I fear what it really means and what other people would think of me. While I was down visiting my parents and family over the Thanksgiving holiday.

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I didn’t have time to blog about my latest conversation with a man named Jay before I left for Thanksgiving, so here it is. I met him on a Christian Dating site called Christiandatingforfree.com. It’s an ok dating website. It’s free so that’s always good. The problem is the database of eligible men in my area is scarce as I imagine it may be for all regions.

Anyhow, so Jay has one photo up and it’s just a profile of his upper body and face.
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I'm moving my blog over to wordpress with a new URL and a new name. My blog will now be updated at http://www.singlemomdating.net

I just returned home from dropping off my son at school and I received a message from Mike through a dating site we met on. Anyhow he was apologizing for last night. He said they ended up in a car wreck and they got home after 12:30am. He wanted to make it known that he hoped I didn't think he stood me up because he really wanted to see me. He said his phone was lost in the wreck somewhere and that he is going to try and find it today.

Maybe I'm a bitch for not being more understanding but I never listen to my gut feeling. My gut feeling always is the EXACT opposite. So like if I woke up thinking "wow, it's going to be sunny and beautiful today" it will rain hours later. Today my gut feeling says "No he isn't seeing someone else. I'm sure he has a legitimate excuse. I know he's interested in me and not making me the back up girl". Well I am taking no notice of the gut feeling and I am taking the exact opposite stance. I wrote him back saying I am glad to hear he is alright but that this really isn't working out for me. I told him it just feels like he isn't making an effort to see me (not including last night even though it could have very well been an excuse). I told him I am not high maintenance but just having a relationship built on text messages isn't enough for me. We'll see what he says.

I am proud that I was able to take a stand and not allow myself to be used or be a doormat. Even though he seemed like the perfect match for me and I am extremely lonely and desperately want a good man in my life, I still value myself enough to not "settle".

Oh yea, this was my daily kiss fortune on Facebook yesterday.

Your daily kiss fortune: Tell them what you really think. Otherwise, nothing will change. --- Speaking honestly right now will save you much sadness and will set the course for you to move through life with strength.

I was really mad tonight. This is just total BS. Stupid me, went back on my own word about not suggesting meeting up but I felt bad for him. He got laid off and I wanted to cheer him up so I asked if he just wanted to meet up for coffee to hang out and chat. He was all gung ho for it and asking me what time and for me to pick a place and it didn't matter where exactly it was that we would figure it out upon arrival etc.

We were planning to meet up at 7:00pm. I get a text message at 6:15pm saying he just walked into his softball meeting but it was suppose to end at 7:00pm. He did say he would be a little late. ok, so I take off in my car and arrive at the meeting point at 7:15. He sends a message at 7:30 saying he is still in the meeting and he will be out soon. 8:00 rolls around and I ask him how much longer. He says he had no idea it was going to be that late and he says it should be over soon. So I grab a bite to eat. 8:20 I message him again asking if we can meet closer to my house since. He says ok and "it should be over soon". I'm sitting in my car at 9:00pm and still no word from him.

I called DE and he was annoyed at me calling him and talking about Mike. He straight up tells me "Ok, I don't want to hear about this guy anymore. Either you suck it up and deal with his BS or you dump him and move on. He obviously feels a softball meeting is more important than going on a date with you". No matter how harsh those last words sounded to me, I knew DE was right. Why was I letting this guy just spin me around like this?! he obviously isn't that into me but has ulterior motives of keeping me on the back burner. Like his back up girl. And maybe, just maybe he was out with another girl and he was trying to juggle 2 back to back dates. Seriously, what sort of softball meeting lasts 3 fricken hours?!

So I sent him a text message "This isn't going to work out. [my son] is going to be dropped off in 10 minutes". Then complete silence from his side.

I drove home and cried a little but realized God must had answered my prayer last night. At bible study I asked for prayer regarding him; that if he wasn't intended to be something significant in my life; that God would remove him now.

My cellphone is on its last limb. My trackball wasn't registering so I took it out to clean it. Only when I went to put it back in; I couldn't. I had bent the metal too much so it wasn't going to plan. Because of y phone being broken, I somehow managed to think that Mike could have been messaging me all and here I was missing them by having a useless phone. I got my phone fixed by my ex last night and when I turned it back on, it there were no messages from him.

He did send me his usual good morning message, followed by a quick response from me and then another reponse from him. Then..nothing. Nothing the entire day or evening. So I sent him a "How was your day message" and that sparked the texts from him. I decided to go out on a limb and give myself peace of mind that he wasn't married by trying to get him to call me. So I sent him a text message asking if he thought it was weird that we never talk on the phone. he replied saying he wondered about that but he always was afraid I would be busy with my son. I assured him I would never be too busy for him and if I was busy with my son, I would ask him if I could call him back. So he said "You can call me anytime babe". And with that my phone rang. We had a lovely conversation that lasted an hour and then it was time for bed.

My mind is at rest now because I do not believe he is married and has been trying to hide me from his wife. In fact the phone conversation gave me comfort in whatever it is that we have going on here. I am at peace. :)

Friday night I called my best friend to  tell her about my ex's engagement and she says "That's so weird. How can you marry someone who's bisexual?". I asked her to clarify what she meant. She said "[ex's name] is bi. Didn't you know that?" What??? Hell no I didn't know that. So I asked how she knew and she told me he added her to his facebook the other day and it said he was listed in a relationship and that he was interested in men and women.

The only thing that came to mind was when I googled his email address about 3 years ago (yea I was curious what he was up to) and I discovered his profile on some casual sex encounters website where he had a profile with his photo and he had put down that he was interested in anal sex and threesomes. I assumed he meant anal sex with females and the threesomes I assumed were 2 females and himself, so I just sorta rolled my eyes at it and tried to wash it out of my head. But now it all makes sense.

I honestly feel like Mike and I are going no where. We are just at a standstill. I hate this. I want to move, whether it be forward or backwards, I need change. I can't stand still and accept this. he fell asleep on me last night so we were unable to go out and tonight he made no reference into trying to get together but I did send him a text message this morning as per my sister's friends advice. She said I needed to let him know that I was done trying to plan things and that the ball was in his court.  This was our brief text message session about it:

Mike: Good morning sweetie. Sorry things didn't workout lastnight. I fell asleep during kung fu panda.
Me: It's ok but it seems you are pretty busy lately so I am going to leave meeting up, up to you. I don't want to feel like I am nagging you.

Mike: Please don't do that. You aren't nagging me.

So at least now he knows I am not going to say a word about it. my sister's friend thinks he is married or dating other women which is why he never calls and only text messages. She feels it's easier to text when you're married without anyone knowing but a phone call is suspicious. I honestly don't feel he is married or seeing anyone else because of the conversation we had on our second date but I do feel something is up. Like he isn't really into me but likes the idea of having me around.

I hate this so I am just here. I am not backing off totally but I am not pushing either.

This needs to be done! It's time.

Reasons why I am glad to not be with my ex-husband anymore:

1.) He has ADHD and makes it too difficult to hold conversations with him. I would have to make sure he isn't watching TV, reading a book, looking at a magazine, eating, sleeping, breathing.

2.) If he stubs his toe the entire neighborhood also now knows how much it hurt him and the neighborhood kids have just now learned new ways to use the "F word".

3.) He goes off and buries his face in a book at family functions instead of socializing with family. (Man I hated that.)

4.) He has a fit if his syrup isn't hot. He will send it back to the waitress until it is hot.

5.) He's selfish. He will put his needs above all else. One time our baby was crying because he was hungry and he refused to feed him because he said he himself was starving and needed to eat first.

6.) He's selfish in bed.

7.) He's a sex addict. He was diagnosed a few years into our marriage and it made it so hard.

8.) He has anger issues and throws things and growls when he is mad.

9.) He cheated on me.

10.) Did I mention he cheated on me?

Ok now the real reason why I posted this. I found out today he is engaged to a woman he has only been seeing for 2 months. You'd think he would take his time before rushing into marriage. When we first separated he was adamant about not ever getting married again. Now all of a sudden he changes his mind.

This does not sit easy with me. No, I do not want him back. haven't you been following my blog long enough to know that's not it. Yes, deep down I am still hurt about how he did me wrong but I know I am better off. I know God has a good man for me out there. It might be Mike and it might not. All I know is I can foresee him going through divorce #2 if he isn't straight up honest with her about his sex addiction. That problem needs to be nipped in the bud now before it grows into a real problem.

Mike and I have been dating for 2 1/2 weeks. In that time we have sent over 1,000 text messages. (I know because I have had to upgrade my plan to avoid paying per text.) We have gone on two dates. I was the one to suggest meeting for coffee and then I also suggested the dinner date.

Over the past weekend I suggested getting together on Sunday or Monday since my son was going to be with his dad the next two days. Mike said he'd call me on Sunday to see about going out. He didn't call and he messaged me at 9pm saying he was helping a friend out and he was bar tending. When I heard this I started to really rethink all of this. Maybe he really isn't into to me like he is leading me to believe. Monday morning I woke to my usual "Good morning sweetie" text message and once again my doubt in him was put at ease. He then continued to send me messages through out the day as usual asking me what I was doing and telling me that he missed me or was thinking of me. All fine and dandy and keeps my interest.

Today was a bit different based on the fact that I worked. When I work I am unable to check my phone. I saw that he greeted me good morning and asked how my day was going. I responded just as I arrived to work telling him I wouldn't be able to check my phone until lunch hour. Once the lunch hour came we exchanged a few more messages and then that was it. I hadn't heard anything from him the rest of the day or evening. He usually messages me several times in the evening and tells me good night every night. So once again I am rethinking all of this.

I feel that if he was really into me then he would try harder to make an effort to see me and he just isn't. I know the reason why he is quiet today is because he has family visiting right now. I am sure they are keeping him busy.

I just don't want to waste my time if things aren't going to progress. I am already really starting to like him and I just don't want to get attached and then find out it's not going to work out.

I guess I just need to be a little more patient and see how the next week goes. I'm sorry but my idea of dating someone isn't physically seeing them once a week and then only communicating by text messages. I need more than that.